Where Is Your Chaos?

I’ve carried these words in my mind for some time. Before they became a title, the story untangled itself leaking across a plurality of trials, borders and sleepless nights. I don’t even know if I existed before their creation.

I don’t bestow my aspirations upon anyone else. And if I ever truly wished to shape myself into a society messenger and cultivator of happiness, that would be possible as well. I live a life of no excuses. I choose every day what I want to do and just go for it. After all, I do believe the happiness formula is the solved equation of belonging, purpose and storytelling. There is nothing that will ever rid you of pain, but pain will become pain au chocolat if you have a loving community, friends you can count on, a family to support you and a meaning you’ve attributed yourself with, so you can be of service. I didn’t run from nothing.

But I can no longer rely on any hierarchy of values because I finally got what I wanted — out. I am no longer capable of convincing myself of any outstanding philosophy or theory regarding the why. It is the oddest victory, in truth — to be free. I waltz like a personalised memory inside everyone’s mind, some fragrance that comes and goes, a romance with or without sex, an incognito, something you might have felt. You can call, you can write, you can make your way to me, but I’m always not there. And whenever I am around, it’s only to invite you to escape from whatever it is that you’re doing. Temporarily. I don’t take you into my world because it doesn’t exist. It’s raw material — entropy. But I do make sure that you see yourself through my eyes. And it might not be pretty or it might be beyond beautiful for all the reasons you never thought of. I have no faith to judge you with. We’re both spectators.

There’s a lot of human debris left in the tail of my comet and still no reasonable explanation to why I love so deeply. Eternally chasing the wildest feelings under a sky of mourning stars: to see and to be seen. Creative force for the sake of itself. My chaos is love outside equation.